Life is all about all that you give and all that you take.
Life is learning from the wise and teaching the pupil.
Life is what happens when you make other plans.

Life is a bitch, and then you die.

I have to admit, although I deeply regret having moved to California, I feel that it was a necessary move. It's true, you learn a lot about yourself, including the way you handle certain situations and how you carry yourself. But unfortunately for me, the notion that a move warrants a way for you to restart your life, is not 100% applicable to me.

No matter how much I tell myself it's not true, I cannot deny the fact that I moved out here to pursue a relationship. Whether or not I should have realized that it was doomed from the beginning is unimportant. That fact alone is what regulated my life cycle from the beginning. I still do not have a full-time job, I haven't done much if anything at all with my photography, and I am still living with the guy I originally thought I wanted to spend the rest of my life with; and not to mention I am living off his money. What a blow to my pride.

I ran into a stupid situation with my friends today, and albeit truthfully I should not be mad, it still bothers me to this point. I've tried so hard to make good friends, to feel accepted and appreciated, and try every possible outlet available to get my mind off trying to get over a relationship failure. I've tried so hard to find guys to fill that certain void in my heart and time, to hopefully find that one guy that will certainly release me from this emotional situation I got myself into. And I know that's wrong because I know that I am in no position to be in a relationship right now. But I ask for a lot in such a small amount of time. And now I am paying for it, letting my heart get crushed by little situations my friends pull on me that wasn't really intended to be personal, but I take things personally anyway. It's a flaw of mine that I've got to work on.

Why am I here? Why did I make this move, and what did it teach me? I try too hard in the areas of life that I shouldn't be trying hard in the first place. I should be channeling all of my energy to finding a good career path, getting myself financially stable and preparing my name and reputation in the photography field. Instead, I quickly develop empty relationships (my fault), weaken my already fragile and dense heart, putting myself into this almost bottom-low position and forcing people into situations where they do not belong. And I am sorry- I really am. And I hope that every one knows that no matter how wrong I've done to someone, I make the best effort to repay it, and then more.

I fell. Hard. Slowly, but surely, and hard. What the hell can I do now to repair it all? What is there left to do to mend my tear in life that I've stupidly created? Take steps, that's all baby. Take small steps and I'll know that I've covered all my bases when I reach the top.